Sexual Education:A Jacobx Renesmee x Emmett Story
by calhale
Summary: Emmett and Jacob are baby sitting when Renesmee asked about sex.And not just sex but homosexual sex. Now the boys have to give her the "Talk". Hilariousness insues. Rated M for language and implied relationship between jake and Em. mentions yaoi.


-1Author's Note: I do not own Twilight and or any of the characters and story lines associated with Stephanie Meyers creation. This story deals with homosexual relationships between males. As well as the awkward situation of explaining it to a small child. Sorry that I haven't edited it quite yet.

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Jacob lay on the couch at Edward's house reading a car magazine and humming peacefully to himself. The room was quiet, maybe a bit too quiet, but Jacob wasn't paying attention and continued to read his magazine in bliss. Little did he know he was being watched.

Stealthily, the spy scampered across the hard wood floor without a sound and silently slide up onto the couch between Jacob's legs, perfectly hidden behind the magazine. Jacob may have never known that he was so close to another person had a soft breeze not blown through the open window and carried his stalkers scent his way.

It was an odd scent and smelt vaguely of a high school locker room mixed with strawberry lubrication. Thinking that Emmett maybe had miraculously snuck up on him, Jacob slowly lowered his magazine and screamed like a girl when his attacker yelled, "BOO!"

Renesmee fell backwards onto the couch, rolling with laughter, her copper curls bouncing playfully. Jacob clutched his chest as he realized what had just happened, "Nessie. What the hell!"

She was about to respond when a towel clad Emmett ran into the living room, soaking wet with a worried look on face, "Nessie, what's wrong? Why did you scream? Are the new borns attacking again?"

Renesmee fell into another bout of laughter. "Man, Jacob, you really do sound like a girl." Renesmee said between giggles.

"What?" Emmett asked, very confused.

Jacob glared at Renesmee before turning to Emmett and explaining, "I was the one who screamed, Em. I was reading and this little monster snuck up on me and scared the living daylights out of me. I thought it was you because she smelt like a high school locker room and lube, the little brat."

"Oh." Emmett answered before raising his arm and sniffing his arm pit, before shrugging it off. "Ok, so can I go back to my shower now, since I apparently smell like a high schooler's ball sack?"

Jacob was about to say yes when Renesmee gained control of her laughter and yelled, "NO! I need you both here. I need to ask you guys a question."

"Just one question?" Jacob asked, knowing that when Renesmee asked one question it was usually followed by several others.

Renesmee rolled her eyes and admitted, "Well, maybe a couple questions, but they're really important questions. I promise." Emmett was about to ask why he had to be there, but Renesmee answered his question before he could ask. "And I need you both here because they involve stuff that both of you know about." Renesmee smiled innocently and pouted out her lower lip, "Please."

Emmett groaned but finally sat down on the couch behind Jacob who had sat up. When he was situated, Emmett pulled the young man into his lap, to help cover himself. Jacob smirked and let Emmett give him short sweet kiss before he looked back at the child before him. "Ok, we're both here," Renesmee was about to dive head first into her interrogation but Jacob stopped her, "But I want to know why you smell like a boy covered in lube first." Despite being in love with Emmett, he had still imprinted on the little girl and cared greatly about her well being.

Renesmee smiled brightly. " You're not nearly as dumb as Daddy says you are Jacob." Jacob frowned. "That's actually what my questions are about kind of. You see, I snuck into Daddy's room because he's gone for the week with uncle Seth and I really, really, really miss him. And you guys aren't nearly as much fun to tease as Uncle Seth so I was missing him a lot too. So I was in their room and I found some of Uncle Seth's stuff and there was this bottle of BOD spray and I normally don't like the smell very much, but Daddy likes it because he and Seth always have sex after Seth puts it on. So I sprayed it on myself because I reminded me of them.

"And then, I was laying on the bed upside down with my head hanging off the edge near the bed side table so I reached in the drawer and found this bottle with strawberries on it. SO I poured some on my hands. I didn't know what it was, because I didn't read the bottle but it was all wet and oily and smelled like strawberry candy so I licked some off my finger. It tasted weird. But then I read the bottle, which is hard upside down mind you, and I realized it was lubricant."

Emmett and Jacob looked at Renesmee with blank stares. Finally Jacob spoke. "And what does this have to do with your questions, exactly?" He was fighting to get the imagine of Seth licking strawberry lube off of Edward out of his head. Emmett was smiling as he thought about Jacob licking it off of him.

"Well I was thinking that they had to be related, because I called Mommy to ask her what lubricant was and she said that I should ask Daddy and Seth because they use it all the time. And Daddy and Uncle Seth have sex all the time. But I couldn't really figure out how that would work because when Mommy told me about sex she told be about how girls have Sex and I'm confused, because they wouldn't need to use any more lubing up really." Renesmee responded in another waterfall of words.

"I don't get it." Emmett said, still trying to comprehend what the little girl was saying.

"What are you asking, Nessie?" Jacob asked, just as confused as Emmett.

"I want to know how two boys have sex." Renesmee stated, slightly frustrated with the pair for not understanding.

Jacob eyes went wide and a smile spread across Emmett's face. Emmett started to respond, "Well you see, when Jake and I get in the mood, I usually throw him over my shoulder and carry him to the bed room. Where I proceed to take these fingers and funny you asked about lube because I cover them in lube so I can…"

Jacob cut him off in horror by covering Emmett's mouth with his hands. "Emmett! She's like…… 10. You can't tell her about that."

"Actually Grandpa told me yesterday at my check-up that I was like 12 now." Renesmee countered before adding, "So you guys use your fingers to have sex like girls too?"

Emmett was going to continue his story but Jacob kept his hands to Emmett's lips. "NO! we don't use out fingers like girls. We… Boys need a little stretching to make sex… comfortable. And the lube helps make things... More comfortable." Jacob tried to smile like what he said made perfect sense.

"Hmmm." Renesmee thought this over. "So once your stretched and comfortable, what do you do then?"

Jacob would have answered had Emmett not licked the hand covering his mouth with an excessive about of saliva. "EWWWW, Emmett that's gross." Jacob whined as he wiped the spit on the arm of the couch.

Emmett quickly answered his nieces' question. "You see, boys and girls are different and boys have…………. penises instead of ……………vaginas. But you probably already knew that. So when two boys want to have sex one of the boys gets on top of the other and puts his…. Penis into the other's ummmmmmmm… butt hole and….hmm." Emmett was struggling to keep the answer scientific.

Jacob put his head into his hands as he listened to his boy friend explain gay sex. Finally he interrupted the debauchery. " Yeah and it feels very good for boys, and that's how two boys have sex." Jacob really hoped this was the end of the conversation.

"OH, Ok.. That's interesting.. But I have another question." Renesmee said after thinking this over.

"Oh God." Jacob sighed in despair.

"My Daddy is always calling Uncle Seth the cutest little bottom he ever did see. And Uncle Seth always calls Daddy the best top in the world. What does that mean?" Renesmee asked in pure curiosity.

Jacob just looked at Emmett and let Emmett answer that one. Emmett smiled, "Well remember how I said that one boy gets on top of the other boy and puts his penis in the other boy. Well, the boy that puts his penis into the other one is the top. And like wise the boy who's butt hole gets filled with that penis is the bottom. And man when your bottom grips your penis…" Emmett was getting a little carried away and Jacob slapped the back of his head to get him to stop.

"She's 12." Jacob reminded Emmett, "Please refrain from telling her about our sex life."

"Speaking of which," Renesmee jumped in again, "Who's the bottom and who's the top in your relationship?"

Jacob looked at Renesmee for a moment speechless while Emmett started to laugh. "We try to switch it up. Isn't that right Jake?" Emmett chuckled before placing a calming kiss behind Jacob's ear.

Jacob was on the verge of tears from being so embarrassed. "Is that all Nessie?" Jacob whined.

Renesmee thought for a moment and then nodded, "Yep. Thanks, you guys cleared a lot of things up. I think I can properly tell Daddy that I have no intention of ever having sex now."

"What? Why not?" Jacob asked, very confused.

"Well, I just don't think I would be comfortable having a girl lick and suck at me… down there. And I certainly don't want to anything shoved up my butt. So maybe I'll just become a nun or something." Renesmee answered, completely serious about the matter.

Jacob had no clue how to react, but Emmett was is hysterics. "You know what kiddo? You should go into your daddy's office and look in the bottom drawer of his desk. There's a video in there with a girl and a boy on it. Take it to your room and watch it sweetie, because I think it'll clear some things up about boys and girls." Emmett instructed between laughs.

"Ok. Thanks Uncle Emmett. I'll see you guys later. I need to go do research." Renesmee smiled and flitted out of the room to find the magical DVD Emmett had described.

Jacob looked Emmett in the eye and glared. There was a moment of utter silence between them, before Jacob started hitting Emmett repeatedly, "PORN! You're answer was to watch PORN! You are such a pain in my ass!"

Emmett just laughed and grabbed Jacob's hands, holding them above his head. "I'm a pain in your ass? Oh, Jacob how bout we go find out just how big of a pain I can be?" Emmett teased and he lifted the young man up and started walking toward the guest room with Jacob struggling uselessly in his arms; completely forgetting his towel on the couch.

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Author's note: So yeah this was just a weird little idea that popped into my head at random. Hope you guys think it's funny. So please review. You might as well if you actually read the whole thing. Sorry for the lack of real porn. But hey, it's just a cute bit of fluff, kinda.

XOXO

Cally


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